No.1: Before the agents shift, all change machines
in the station and those within a three-block radius of
the station shall be unplugged, or better, removed.
No.2: Under no circumstances shall the agent ever
leave the glass cubicle.
No.3: When approached by a patron, the agent shall
quickly appear very busy and pretend not to notice the
No.4: If by some off chance eye contact is made, the
agent shall sneer menacingly.
No.5: When the patron asks a question, the agent shall
resume whatever task they were busily doing before.
No.6: If the patron knocks on the glass cubicle, the
agent shall immediately spring into a rage, cursing, foaming
at the mouth, and throwing objects around inside the cubicle.
After a few minutes of this, the agent shall hold up a
sign reading AGENT HAS NO MONEY.
No.7: If the patron continues asking questions in
English, the agent shall feign fluency only in Mandarin.
If the patron attempts Mandarin, the agent shall feign
Swahili. If the patron speaks Swahili, the agent shall
mutter phrases in Dutch. If the patron glows with delight
and repeats their question in Dutch, the agent shall hold
up the AGENT HAS NO MONEY sign again.
No.8: Even if the agents life is threatened,
the agent shall never let the patron know the following
truths. A) That the agent can hear the patron perfectly.
B) That the agent has $200 in quarters under the counter.
C) That the only language the agent speaks or understands
No.9: All glass cubicles shall clearly display a chart
indicating train arrivals and fares. However, this chart
shall be a fourth-generation photocopy and be set in a
font so small that patrons must stand no further than
six inches away from the glass cubicle to read it, squinting
No.10: If any patron squints at an agent, that agent
is entitled to throw a fit (see Rule No.6)
No.11: When announcing train delays over the loudspeaker
system, the agent shall take care to place the microphone
completely down his or her throat.
No.12: All agents are responsible for the station's
lost and found items. Any patron who informs the agent
of a lost article shall be forced to fill out Form No.JS141800-729,
which takes approximately 45 minutes, during which time
the patron shall become so confused that he or she will
be easy to abduct and send away to Transit Station Agent
School, only to re-emerge three weeks later in another
glass cubicle as a new agent.